"Why? Why are you doing this exactly?"

Lorena Watson

"Wait. I'm confused, do you, like, sell sandwiches? Or condiments? Or what? I seriously don't understand the point of this at all."

Emma Brown

"Condiment Quarterly changed my life. It literally saved my marriage, cured multiple terminal illnesses in my immediate and extended family, and restored my will to live. But most importantly, it answered so many questions I had about condiments. THANK YOU!"

Bud "Lite" Quakenbush

"Condiments are dangerous. Please get me out of here. This isn't fun anymore. I'm afraid for my life."

Ludwig "The Dingler" Dingleberry